13th Oct 21 –The toughest decision of my life

It’s been six weeks now since I left my role as a Project Engineer due to a lack of fulfilment and alignment with culture/values – the toughest decision I’ve had to make. At 30 I was extremely comfortable, a good career ahead of me based on historic performance and promotion history. I pulled the safety net from under my own feet, and decided I didn’t see my long-term future at that company, or possibly even that line of work.

When I say the toughest decision – it was not a lack of certainty that held me back, but a struggle with the internal voices saying that others would judge me as stupid, a waster, weak, etc. Eventually, my fear of an unfulfilled life overcame my fear of judgement from others. If I didn’t do what was best for me, I felt I’d be filled with resentment and regret later in life.

It’s been tough mentally, even now that I’ve left; although I have no desire to return, I still hear those voices. Sometimes those voices are real – with some people close to me eager to know when I’ll be returning to work. I’m empathetic towards them – they want what they believe is best for me. 

Immediately returning to work without really being certain on what I want to do would be a recipe for the same outcome! I want to instead take time out – not just a few weeks – to clear my head of any subconscious beliefs that would lead me to do something to impress others.

Whatever I do next in life to make an income, I have to believe in! Work that I feel is important. Work that aligns with my core values and beliefs. Work that energises me. Work that I’m innately good at. 

A nice house, Range Rover, nice lawn, holiday here and there – that’s not the answer for me. For me, I want to be able to inspire my kids through my life story – not through materialistic possessions. I want to show them that it’s ok to take risks. It’s ok to not know and find out through failure (it’s not really failure). Do what you enjoy and find fulfilling – forge your own path, don’t blindly follow others.

Why would I play it safe when I have nothing to lose? I was born with nothing – and I’ll leave with nothing.

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